How to Make New Friends (as a Grown-Up)

Making friends as a grown up is so hard!

Why is it so hard?

I don't know.

Maybe it's easier when we're little because we're not so worried about what everyone thinks of us. And if we grow up living in the same place for most of our lives, we might not even have to worry about making new friends until we go away to college or something. We have the time to just let it happen "organically".

But here's the thing: forming strong human connections takes time, and it needs to start somewhere.

And if you haven't made new friends in a while, you might not remember how it starts.

But it works basically the same way it worked when you were 5:

One person goes up to the other person and says "hi! My name is ____. Would you like to play with me?"

Photo by Sam Manns on Unsplash

Now, here's what's different.

1. We are not normally gathered in spaces set up for free play. So it might need to sound more like "would you like to go grab coffee?" or "would you like to go hiking with me this weekend?"

2. We now have more responsibilities so we may not be free to accept an invitation. try not to take it too personally if someone says no. Try again later, or try with a new prospective friend

But if you'd like to be better friends with someone, you have to start by asking them to play, hang out, etc. There's really no other magic pill.

I've always found it best to be very open and honest about this.

"Hi! I know we have only met a few times but I feel like we have a lot in common and I would really like to be friends. I have a workshop idea I'm thinking of proposing and I think you're supposed to work on it with me. Can we meet for coffee and I can tell you about my ideas?"

This is not the exact email, but it's (as far as I can remember) the email I wrote to a former colleague who is now one of my best friends.

"Hi! I know you've been busy and I've been busy but I miss you. I felt like we were starting to become real friends before I stopped working at ___ and now there's a pandemic and I never see you and I think that's a shame. I would love to keep becoming better friends with you! What is your schedule like? Can we meet up for coffee sometime soon?"

This is (basically) the Facebook message I sent to reconnect with a former coworker that I wanted to be friends with.

"Hi! I love chatting with you when we run into each other at the yoga studio, and I think we'd be great friends! Would you like to grab lunch sometimes and hang out on purpose?"

A text I sent to a yoga teacher I had a friend-crush on

Even though I felt vulnerable sending each and every one of these, I got great positive responses back. Some of them turned into strong, lifelong friendships, and some didn't. Some are still in progress. But the common thread in all of them is that I took the first step and each time the potential friend in question said something like "I'm so glad you asked! It's so awkward trying to make friends as an adult".

Yup.

It is.

So dive into that awkward!

You can use any of these messages as a template to send to your own Potential-New-Friend.

Let me know how it goes!!!

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3 Tips for Throwing Yourself a Better Birthday Party

Getting older is a big deal, especially for women I think. It's fraught with a lot of different emotions. You might feel proud, you might feel regret and you might feel fear. And that's all pretty common.

I know a few of you are celebrating big birthdays, and so I wanted to offer up some tips on how to make your party a little more personal. (There are no new ideas. Most of these tips are from The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker)

Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash

1. Don't get stuck in the details

We know from Pinterest and Instagram what a birthday party is supposed to look like. Big metallic number balloons. Fancy flowers. Mimosas or Rosé, sundresses, and maybe even a selfie station.

But often we get so stuck in the details of what a party should look like that we end up with all form and no function. After the cake is cut and the guests are gone we feel...just the same as we did before.

So instead DON'T plan out the details until you plan out the other steps.

2. Know what you need

What do you emotionally need from this party? In the summer of 2020, I was pregnant and home alone most of the day. Because of Covid, we weren't seeing anyone and our plans to visit friends and family had all been canceled. What I needed for my birthday was some good quality time with friends. Not small-talk, but long sustained conversations.

So instead of inviting 10 people over all at once, I invited two people at a time throughout the week. Neighbors, friends, etc. were invited in pairs to come sit in our backyard for an hour and eat cake with us. It was perfect and fulfilled the need for connection that I had been missing all summer.

So what do you need for your birthday? Maybe you need to be celebrated for your recent hard work! Maybe you need to get away from everyone! Maybe you need some one-on-one time with a close friend. Once you know what you need, it's a lot easier to make it happen.

3. Be clear about what you want

I know we all want to be seen as the "cool" hostess. We don't want to be too pushy or controlling. We want people to have a good time. But honestly? People feel better when expectations are clear.

So be clear in your invitation. If you don't want people to bring a friend or partner, say so. If you want everyone to show up wearing blue, say so in the invite. If you want everyone to come prepared to share their favorite memory of your time together, give them a heads up!

Being clear about what you want in the invitation has two big benefits. The first is that you are more likely to actually get what you want. The second is that you can let go of guilt about "being controlling" because if they're not willing to play along, they can always not attend!

Remember, your birthday is about you, and celebrating your life. It's not about cake and pretty Instagram pictures (unless of course that's what you decide you WANT it to be about, in which case go right ahead!)

Creating more meaningful celebrations is a part of creating a more full and meaningful life.

The Not-So-Simple Trick to Peaceful Co-working from Home

Working with a coworker at home, especially when that coworker is my husband, takes more patience than I thought it would.

I'm used to working from home. But I'm also used to being able to leave and go work at a coffee shop if I need a change of scenery. I'm also used to being able to work from any room in the house, and having it be quiet and peaceful. I'm also used to being able to go to the bathroom whenever I want or need to.

No longer.

Now I have a shared home workspace. And I'm mostly just very happy to have some company and know that my husband is home and safe. And I'm also a little quick to anger and stress about things that would seem to be his fault.

Like:

• He's still not doing any of the chores

• He's hogging the bathroom

• He's playing his music too loud

• He's interrupting my flow

Sometimes the people we love most can get on our nerves the fastest.

These aren't really his fault, though. I mean, yes they are things he seems to be doing, but they aren't things we've talked about.

Here’s an example. For me, working from home at my station at the kitchen table means I am super aware of messes in the kitchen that need to be cleaned up. I am frustrated that he is not volunteering to help or doing it all on his own. He has no idea this is even a problem. Most of the things i get super frustrated with my work-from-home coworker about are things he has absolutely no idea might bother me. Why? Because he's not a mind reader, and we both experience the world differently.

I look at a sink piled with dishes and immediately think "great. More work for me to do". He looks at the same sink and thinks "no problem! I'll tackle that later"

So here's the trick: Unless I tell him, and explain to him, how *I* experience the sink full of dishes, he will never understand my stress about it. It's on me to communicate that.

Asking him to turn his music down might work for a bit. Later I will hear it again. He doesn't know my experience with this music. Instead, I need to explain to him why it's important to me that the house be quiet (because I record video, because I'm crazy attuned to music and it distracts me really easily, because the mood he needs to be in is not the same mood I need to be in, etc.) But I cannot expect him to magically understand this on his own.

It's on my husband to respect and acknowledge my needs, for sure. But it's on ME to make sure he knows what those needs are.

And as a bonus, telling people what you need empowers them to do the same back at you!

When we're in close quarters with our family, it's easy to become reactive, hurt, frustrated. Try practicing sharing what you need in a kind way, and trusting your partner, children, and anyone else you are sharing your space with to understand and support you!

How to Do a Content Cleanse

As women, we are no strangers to obsessing about our diets.

We understand that what we put into our mouths becomes what we see in the mirror, and so often we try to restrict our intake. At our best, we eat clean, healthy, organic foods to give us the nutrients we need, to make sure we are only putting The Best into our bodies.

But we don't often bring the same awareness to our consumption of content.

What if we did?

Because, you see, in exactly the same way that the food you put in your mouth becomes your body, the content you read and watch and listen to BECOMES YOUR BRAIN.

So today I'm putting you on a content diet!

Don't worry, you don't need to delete all your favorite apps or become a social media hermit. In the same way I hope you'll never stop eating, the goal here isn't to go cold turkey. The goal is to create a diet of content that nourishes you, and makes you feel awesome on a regular basis.

in exactly the same way that the food you put in your mouth becomes your body, the content you read and watch and listen to BECOMES YOUR BRAIN.

Step 1: Track what you consume, and how it makes you feel

I want you to open your preferred social media network (Instagram, Reddit, Facebook, whatever you're on most) and scroll through your feed for a good 20 minutes. Don't like or comment on anything. Instead, look at each individual post and ask yourself "how does this post make me feel?".

Try to come up with a one-word answer for each post you see.

Ex. A post of your good friend's wedding picture might make you feel "Nostalgic" "Warm" or maybe even "Jealous" or "Bitter". Don't judge the feelings just notice them.

Pay special attention to the posts from companies, or from people you don't know in real life, like influencers or celebrities.

At the end of the 20 minutes, put down your phone and notice how you feel overall. Practice this step once a day for about 3 days.

Step 2: Add more nutritious content

Now that you're pretty aware of how each post is making you feel, seek out more good feelings by following people and hashtags that make you feel great! If you feel super calm after looking at people's vacation photos, search for "travel" or "adventure", and follow accounts that inspire you. If you love looking at dogs, find some dogstagrams to follow!

The other part of adding nutritious content is making sure it always shows up in your feed by intentionally interacting with it. Comment to let someone know you loved their post or story and it made you feel ______. For one, they'll be happy about the feedback and connection. And for another thing, the social media algorithms will now show you their content more often.

You can also add your own nutritious content for other people to see! Make a point of creating the same content you love to see and putting it out into the world to nourish others! This is the social media equivalent to bringing some vegan brownies to your office potluck: no one has to know it's healthy, they'll just enjoy it!

Step 3: Cut out unhealthy consumption

Now that you've added some delicious new content to your feed, it's time to start cutting out the things that you know are bad for you. Each time you open your app, make a point of unfollowing or blocking at least one source of content that makes you feel gross, less-than, or anxious.

If you're doing this on Facebook, you can either unfriend or just choose to stop seeing their content. On Instagram, you can unfollow, or "mute" them so that their content doesn't show in your feed.

Unfollow hashtags that consistently give you FOMO or other bad feelings like comparison, judgment, or envy. If you notice that a certain platform gives you many more bad feelings than good ones, you may want to consider cutting it out entirely (this is why I'm not on twitter!).

I had you start this cleanse on social media because it's the one I find myself on most often. You can also apply it broadly to podcasts, music, streaming videos, books, and magazines. And remember, this doesn't mean you can't ever consume content that doesn't feel great. Sometimes it's important to stay informed, or experience uncomfortable points of view. But just like cleaning all the junk food out of your kitchen doesn't mean you'll never eat a doughnut again, cleaning your content kitchen just allows you to spend more time in a positive, productive headspace. From there, when you do engage with something more difficult, you'll start to experience it in a more calm and centered way.

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Ready to take more control over what’s going on in your brain and body? Click Here to set up your free activation call with me!

Travel Happy

Anyone who has ever heard me talk about hygge might know that I'm a bit obsessed with the Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen, Denmark. The fact that a research group seems to exist purely to figure out how to make us humans happier makes me SO HAPPY!

I've devoured Mike Weiking's books, Hygge and Lykke, and so today when I came across an article he wrote about making travel memories just days before I head out on a trip to NY, of course I had to give it a read. 

I had a great travel revelation on my last trip with my husband, and I can say that I love our new mindful approach to travel but it is a bit of a change for me.

I tend to over-plan and be very controlling when I’m traveling. I want to make sure I maximize every moment of my precious vacation time!

That hasn’t really worked for me, though, and what I normally end up remembering from those vacations are the slower moments of downtime spent just hanging with friends and family, instead of the crazy rush back and forth between activities. 

For example, my favorite memory of my husband from our first anniversary trip to Seattle is how he looked laying in the bed of our rented apartment when the light was shining in the window that morning. 

 In a society where we plan our travel around the best restaurants on Yelp and the most instagrammable foods and locations, I’m excited to try a more mindful way of exploring the world. 

In my next trip I’ll be staying in New York City and then at home with my family in NJ for a few days. So, I can’t really follow Mike’s #1 tip of going somewhere new. But I plan to make a point of exploring new places while I’m there. A restaurant I’ve never seen or a park I’ve never been to. Even though I grew up close to New York there are hundreds of spots in the city I’ve never seen. 

I also plan to check in with my senses more often while I’m there. I want to notice what I see, what I hear, what I feel, smell, and of course, taste. I’m planning on taking out my journal for at least one quiet moment each day to note what I’m sensing in the moment. 

I love Mike’s tip about getting a souvenir. My husband and I try to get a Christmas tree ornament as a souvenir of each trip we take together. This way, each year we get to recall all our trips and memories while we’re celebrating and trimming our tree. If I’m traveling alone, I try to buy something I know I’ll use regularly, like a coffee mug or a pencil case, so my memories become part of my daily life.  

The hardest tip for me to follow will definitely be the final tip: Don’t be afraid of things going wrong when you travel!

I’m definitely a hope-for-the-best-plan-for-the-worst type of traveller. I’m consciously working on surrendering more to the Universe and trusting that everything will work out O.K. and that I’ll be fine, even if it seems stressful in the moment. 

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How are you planning to make memories during your summer travel? I’d love to know!

Tell me in comments or message me at @megangillman on instagram! I’m also open to all your recommendations about new sights, sounds, and tastes to try out in NYC and NJ!

Unearthing My Fear

Lots of things are scary in life, and starting your own business or even switching to a new career or a new job can be one of them. I'm excited to finally be participating in Spirit Junkie Masterclass to help me grow and develop not just as an entrepreneur but as a spiritual entrepreneur - one whose goals and ambitions are rooted in helping others find the power of love and acceptance and support.

The most powerful thing that I did during the first week of the masterclass was writing my fear statement. I know it's an activity I will come back to over and over.

Fears are powerful, especially the unspoken ones that we hide deep down and may not even realize ourselves. During a free-writing about my fears I realized that probably the biggest fear and limiting belief I have carried is that I am not a likable person.

Fears are powerful, especially the unspoken ones that we hide deep down and may not even realize ourselves.

When I was young I changed schools several times. Once because my family moved to a new town. Then I changed schools twice more as I moved through private schools into the public school system. In my early years I often felt like if I wanted friends I would have to win them. I would have to engage in ways that showed them I was fun, nice, exciting, smart, cool.

In my head I developed a subconscious ranking system of who I could possibly be friends with. Who would I be able to convince that I was likable? Who was too cool, pretty, or popular to be open to accepting me?

As an adult this shows up in some interesting ways. I don't like to wait for book signings or photographs with people I admire. I often feel like I won't be accepted by those I admire the most.

Writing all of this out feels incredibly vulnerable. I'm not saying that I didn't have great friends and wonderful relationships, but in new social situations or job interviews or meeting new people I am still constantly finding myself "performing" who I think I should be in that situation. It keeps me from making authentic connections, and sometimes even exacerbates the problem.

Through listening to this fear that I'm unlikeable I have put up barriers between myself and so many other people. These barriers make me feel safer but also keep me from ever being able to prove the fear wrong. It leads me to compare myself with others constantly, and creates bitterness and disharmony in my life.

I'm so thrilled that I'm able to finally recognize this fear and start the work of transforming this fear into love.

Freedom from this fear will allow me to form more authentic connections with my clients, students, and fellow humans. It will allow me to bring my whole self to my work, and it will allow me to experience deeper peace and love.

I'm feeling so energized now that I am doing this work, and I can't wait to see what else I learn throughout this process!

Looking Like Myself

"You look a lot more like yourself today".

That's what my husband said to me on the third day of training for my part-time job. I agreed with him. I can't remember what I was wearing, exactly, but I remember thinking I never could have worn it to my job at the university.

Figuring out what to wear to work has been a daily struggle for me for most of the last ten years. When I started graduate school in August 2010 I was expected to dress professionally while I was working in my assistantship position. It was a huge shift for me coming from college, where my wardrobe was almost exclusively jeans and tee-shirts. Frustratingly, the rules about what you can and should wear to work are somewhat of a minefield for young women. In education, it might be even worse.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

You can't dress too professional (think suits with jackets) because students won't find you relatable and won't believe you understand them. You can't dress too casually or students will think you are too relatable and parents will mistake you for a student yourself. You should "dress for the job you want" but also be able to walk comfortably across 3 miles of hot, Florida sunshine to make your presentation at the orientation session across campus.

It was all a bit too much. Most days I settled on some sort of slacks and blouse combination, but I always felt like I was wearing a costume or a uniform. The first thing I wanted to do when I arrived home was change out of my work clothes and into something that felt like me.

Now I'm not about to recommend my solution (quitting your job and working from home) to everyone. But, I think I would have been happier if I could have sensed what this meant earlier in my life.

You see, for me, it wasn't just about the clothes. The clothes were just a symptom of me feeling like I wasn't sure who I was supposed to be in my job. Somewhere in the middle of all the conflicting expectations (professional but approachable, modest but attractive, easygoing but buttoned-up) I lost sight of who I actually was and started putting on my best impression of who I thought I was supposed to be.

My personal style didn’t fit at all into my workplace.

After trying out several methods of revamping my work wardrobe (including a work-uniform inspired by Matilda Kahl) and experiencing various levels of success, I found one that I really enjoyed. The Curated Closet by Anuschka Rees was the most helpful book about women's fashion I have ever read! It helped me chuck the cycle of purging and spending in favor of designing my own look and vision for my wardrobe. It helped me put together a wardrobe that felt right to me.

Even at the end of that, however, I was stuck with the reality that my personal style didn't fit at all into my workplace. I spent most of my waking hours in my "office clothes" and left all the clothes I really loved unworn sitting in my closet waiting for a day when I could really dress as myself.

For me, and I think for many women, the clothes we wear are a statement about our identity. Our clothes are a projection of the kind of person we want to be. Maybe it should have been a clue that the person I wanted to be wasn't a person that could fit into my chosen career path?

Now I'm working for myself and also doing some hours part time at a local business. And I get to wear whatever I like.

"You look a lot more like yourself today."

Thanks.

I feel a lot more like myself today, too.

Good Job vs. Good Life

Yesterday I was in a coffee shop eating breakfast and getting some work done when I overheard a conversation between two men. They were discussing one man's daughter, where she was living now and what she was doing. "She's working at Allstate, the insurance company," said the woman's father. "No, but it's actually a pretty good job. It has benefits, and the salary is pretty good, and she just got a promotion."

I think it caught my ear because of something else I heard over the weekend. I was listening to Oprah's Super Soul podcast, to a session by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. She said that "children are not the diamonds and the jewels you get to adorn yourself with."

Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

So much of my career path has been shaped by my parents and my family and their expectations of me. Not their overt expectations, of course. I picked a college that was more expensive than they probably would have liked, I picked a major I loved, and I defied my mother's joking wishes that I enroll in pharmacy or engineering schools. But there was one underlying belief that was the foundation of most of my choices: If I was successful I could make my parents happy. If I was successful it meant they were successful, and that would make them proud of me.

So my recent decision to quit my job and launch myself as a freelancing life coach and yoga guide is pretty fraught with emotion. I've had to ask myself some big questions. Do I think I would be just as happy working a less prestigious job? Do I believe my family and my friends will still love me if I fail? Do I have "what it takes" to be successful on my own?

I think many of us are at a crossroads between two different models of success. There's the model we've learned from watching older generations, and there is the model we're observing in our world. It's hard to be in between these two, because we can see we're living in the new model but the old model is embedded in everything we do and use every day.

The old model is why, when I start a business checking account, there's no way for be to actually include my industry. The closest match in the drop-down menu was "fitness centers".

The old model is the reason our best shot at health care is being employed by a large company that offers "great benefits".

The old model is the reason I get questions like "do you think there's even a market for what you want to do?"

It's taking all my courage and energy to keep reminding myself that the old model is fading, and when I was inside it I could feel myself fading too.

And, when it really comes down to it, I don't want anyone to be proud of me because I had a good job. I want them to be proud because I had a good life.

Retreat Reflections - Wakulla Springs

I’m not really sure how to start this blog post. I just came back from a really transformative weekend. I got to know some wonderful people, enjoy the mystery and calm of nature, and learn a lot of very important lessons. What happened? I hosted my first yoga retreat.

It’s strange for me to even begin to reflect on it because I have so many different lenses I can look at it through. I can look at it through the lens of a yoga teacher and budding entrepreneur, planning and executing her first big project. I can look at it through the lens of a performance-oriented perfectionist learning to understand her anxiety. I can look at it through the lens of a human who is fed up with how disconnected life can be and is striving to create more opportunities for true connection.

I guess I’ll just start at the beginning.

I hosted my first yoga retreat.

The idea for a yoga retreat came out of several conversations with my life coach. I had the sense I wanted to make something happen but struggled to verbalize what it was. It took me a while to drill it down.

Do you know how hard it is to make friends as an adult? I’m not talking about Facebook friends or acquaintances. I’m talking about actual friends. People you can talk to about your life, not just about the weather or the latest episode of Game of Thrones. As a transplant from the state where I grew up, it’s something I notice all the time.

Sometimes I’ve been able to make those kinds of connections in yoga classes, but more often people dash in, take a class, and dash out back to their busy lives. It’s rare that people will hang around afterward to really have a conversation with you. We’re all so busy that we don’t have time to truly bond.

Students on day 5 of an Alternative Break trip in Asheville, NC

But in my work in higher education, I’ve seen students form bonds in a few days that can last a lifetime! I’ve seen people who have never talked to each other become acquaintances and then friends, and sometimes best friends, during immersive experiences I’ll call “retreats”. My first experience with this was as a student myself, attending a training retreat for my job as an Orientation Leader. After a short weekend, I felt completely comfortable and accepted in this group of people I hadn’t known on Friday.

As a professional in higher education, I’ve had the opportunity to see this in action again and again, most recently in an alternative break I chaperoned to Asheville, NC. This one was really powerful because it was organized by students. To me, it seemed like there was no real plan, no real strategy to help everyone become friends. But by the 2nd day of the trip, everyone knew and felt comfortable around everyone. It seemed like the magic came just from spending time together.

This is what I wanted to start doing. I wanted to start creating spaces for people to spend time together and start to let this connection magic happen. I was pretty sure you could do it with any activity, but the only thing really fun I was confident in doing was teaching yoga. So there you go. A yoga retreat.

I can happily say that, after all my anxiety, stress, and unforeseeable setbacks (the retreat originally scheduled for October was canceled because hurricane Michael hit us just two days before it would have taken place), the retreat was more than I could have imagined.

The magic came through. People who started the retreat having never met each other ended the first night by sharing stories of real life, real loss, real joy, and got to know each other on a much deeper level than I anticipated. The sense of acceptance and community was there. Add in a sprinkling of getting really in touch with our bodies and minds through the practice of yoga and meditation, and the sense of ease and peace became pretty palpable.

Practicing before day 2 of the retreat at Wakulla Springs

I definitely learned some logistical lessons that I can take with me into the future (like maybe not planning a retreat in Florida during hurricane season!), but I can confidently say it was a success.

Yoga is about connection, and it’s not just about connecting to ourselves. It’s also about connecting deeply to others. Acknowledging that essentially, we’re all the same. I can’t wait to create more opportunities like this, for us to take time away from our chronic busy-ness to enjoy the simple and powerful pleasure of spending time with other people, doing things that make us feel good.

Holidays and Change

I grew up in a family that really loved Christmas, and had lots of big family traditions around the holidays. Every year since I can remember we’ve celebrated Christmas Eve at my aunt’s house. My mom and aunt switch off hosting Thanksgiving. We watch the same movies, sit around in our pajamas, and although our family circle expanded over the years and some of us (o.k., really just me) moved far away, for most of the thirty years I’ve been alive my holiday season has looked the same.

When I got married, I spent my first Christmas away from my parents and sisters, and it was hard. I was 27 that year and I remember being sad all day that my Christmas wasn’t really Christmas if the traditions weren’t playing out that way.

We expect to grow and change. We expect to move away from our parents’ house and pick up new hobbies, meet new people, and start new lives. But I never really expected my Christmas traditions to change. But it’s definitely been a year for change, and looking around me I can see so many friends and family who experience Christmas in a much different way.

This Christmas, for some of my friends, will be the first after their marriage ended. The first after a friend or loved one passed away. The first after they lost their job. For others, it will be the first Christmas with their new partner, in a new home, or with a new child. Sometimes I think that the holidays are so hard because they change so little. The smells, the sounds, and the sights remind us of all the holidays we’ve had before, and it can be easy to get caught in self-pity or self-congratulation. Are we better or worse off than we were last year?

But the one thing I love most about the Christmas holiday is that, for me, it’s all about hope. It’s about finding the light in the darkness and taking time to slow down and celebrate those we have around us, and the love we’ve shared in the past year. It’s about taking what’s normal and all around us every day, our houses, our plants, our offices, and dressing them up in lights and festive decorations. Once a year we take the time to make everything just a little more special, for no other reason than to delight the people who will see it every day.

Whether we’ve gained or lost over the past year, we’re all here together now, and we get to take the time to celebrate that connection and try to make it as special as we can.