I hit my loneliest point in 2013. I had always considered myself an introvert, and sometimes even a loner, so I wasn't expecting living alone to feel so, well, lonely. But when I moved to New Orleans after graduate school for my first full-time job I couldn't help but feel the distance between me and my family, my partner, and all my friends. I ended up living in New Orleans for a little less than a year before moving back to Florida, where I had made friends while in school, and where my partner and his family lived.
Since then I've spent lots of time reflecting on why I felt so stressed, anxious, and isolated. I had moved away from home to go to college, and I had moved to a whole new state for graduate school. Why was moving out on my own so different?
Photo by Nik MacMillan on Unsplash
It was so different. Thinking back to my move to college, I was received by a whole mass of other students my age who were all new and all looking to meet new people, make new friends, and find a new community. When I started graduate school I joined a smaller cohort of students in my program who had moved from all over the country, and who had similar interests. They were also hoping to make friends, to meet new people, and to find a community.
When I moved to New Orleans, I moved in alone. I was the new person in the city, and even the other few new people who had started at my office at the same time had brought their people with them. Their partners and some of their friends were already waiting for them at home. I struggled to connect with people who seemed to have their circle of friends already tightly drawn.
I tried meeting people through book clubs, events, parties, and classes, all of which had worked for me before, but the friendships were slow to grow. So much slower, it seemed, than the fast friendships that formed when starting a new school. I still felt lonely.
Since then I've seen lots of people take on the same challenge of moving into a new place or a new office, and I've seen the same thing over and over again: we make new connections and new friends fastest when we are all out of our comfort zone at the same time.
My closest friends and acquaintances at work are with the colleagues who started around the same time that I did. We were new together, and we bonded fast. I've taken students on retreats and trainings where over the course of a few days friendships are formed and bonds are forged at a much faster rate. There's something about being on our own, in a new place, outside of our comfort zone, that lets us open up more quickly to others who are on the same journey.
That's what had been missing when I moved to New Orleans. I was looking for connection, but the process of seeking it out on my own was slow going and left me feeling more isolated than I've ever been. And being lonely isn't just an uncomfortable feeling, it can actually have negative health impacts.
Social isolation can lead to an increase in stress hormones, which cause all sorts of negative health outcomes. And by increasing our sense of satisfaction with our social relationships, we can decrease stress and increase overall health and wellbeing. So why are we talking about just yoga classes and superfood diets and ignoring this important aspect of health?
When I planned my first yoga retreat, which will take place this October, I wasn't aiming to plan a fancy vacation. I wasn't even looking to do yoga, necessarily. It's just that yoga is what I happen to have the most experience teaching. But what I knew I wanted to create was an environment where we could make friends, and make them fast. The goal isn't to retreat away from our lives, necessarily, but to form new bonds and connections with other people from the same area who have the same interests. To meet the people we see across the yoga studio every week but still haven't met. And sure, we can eat healthy food and nourish our bodies with movement along the way. It's a whole wellness package: nourish the body, nourish the belly, but most of all, nourish the soul.
Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash