I’ve always had a bit of a problem with authority, and it’s lead to some conflicts in my life, especially in my work life.

And though I’m sure it’s made some situations more difficult for me, I wouldn’t change it for the world! Here’s why.

I’ve had some great teachers/bosses/supervisors in my life. Like some truly TRULY amazing ones. And I’ve also had ones that were absolutely awful in all sorts of ways. In school we’re conditioned to be good little worker bees, following directions and showing deference and respect so that we could get good grades and move on to a better, brighter future.

In school those rules and guidelines were more or less clear. You do this work on the syllabus, do it the way your teacher likes it done, you get the A.

In work worlds the rules and guidelines are often much more ambiguous. Usually because no one in charge ever bothered to decide on rules or guidelines at all. They just figured it’d all work itself out.

So you adapt and you try to do the same thing that got you the A in school: figure out how your boss likes things done. D the things well, and get the A.

But unlike our school teachers, many of whom were excellent at their jobs (if, at times, a bit cynical and burnt out), our bosses were likely never taught how to be good bosses. They were just put in the role and given authority and they don’t have an innate understanding of how to use it, and especially not how to use it for good.

“With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility”. Heh. More like “with great power comes a bit of a pay increase and a nicer parking spot”.

For personal reasons, I learned from a pretty young age that the people in charge do not necessarily deserve our trust and respect. And so when I had a good boss, the kind that earned my trust and respect, I tended to flourish and do great work. But more often than not there’s at least one person in your workplace that does not approach leadership that way. And if you haven’t yet developed a near paranoid distrust of people in leadership roles, then you might end up feeling it’s somehow Your fault that your boss doesn’t like you. It’s maybe something you did or said, or maybe your work isn’t good enough quality.

I’m here to tell you that 99% of the time you feel like your boss hates you it’s one of 2 things: either your boss does hate you for reasons that are almost entirely inside their own head and you couldn’t change if you tried, or your boss literally does not care about you almost at all, and has next to no idea you’re having a hard time.

That’s right. Your boss’ behavior towards you is often just a result of your boss being excessively human, and stuck in their own head all the time without giving much thought to how their actions impact the people around them. This shouldn’t be news, because it happens all the time with other relationships - with friends, family members, kids, spouses, etc. You know when your kid comes home cranky and yells at you that it’s not because your kid hates you. right? It’s because something is happening inside your kid’s brain and body that is causing them to lash out. You’re a safe space for them to unload.

The problem with bosses is mostly just our expectation that because they are In Charge they aren’t human in this exact same way. Of course, since they are the boss they must spend all their time thinking about how to be a good/better/best boss and they are either failing or singling you out specifically to make you miserable.

It’s neither of those. They are just human, doing their own human things, and perhaps struggling to do it in a healthy, productive way.

When you accept that your boss (or anyone in a position of authority, really) isn’t going to necessarily be great at Peopling, you end up with three pretty clear options:

You can try to change your boss (often called “managing up”) and work to get them moving in the right direction. I don’t recommend this because it is a) not your job and b) a lot of emotional and mental work. Just like in a romantic relationship, it should never be on you to manage the other person’s behavior.
You can try to find a new boss with whom you work better. This is a bit trickier to do, because it often entails job searching either within your organization or outside it, but it’s still always an option. The major downside is this: it’s hard to know whether you’ll get along with your new boss from just the interview process, and even if they do, they might move up or move on eventually, leaving you with whatever supervisor gets chosen next.
Lastly, you can get really freaking awesome at setting, communicating, and upholding healthy boundaries in the workplace. For me, this is the obvious best solution, because it’s the one you have the most control over. And because it’s a skill set you can practice, it follows you and not your boss should you ever decide to leave. Is it risk free? Nope. But none of these options are. In work relationships there’s always a bit of a power imbalance : your boss can fire you, whereas you can only decide to quit. But if you become great at this skill there are some serious benefits, even outside the world of work!

My boundaries are freaking strong! Especially at work. I’m not perfect, but I’m getting better and better at communicating my boundaries and SUPER FAST at realizing when a boss is willing to allow their employees to have boundaries and when they aren’t (that’s when I tend to walk). What about you? Are you ready to take your work life into your own hands? Schedule a call with me today to get started!