It's almost seven in the morning. I've been up since just after 4 suffering from a really interesting pain. It feels like there is something shoved up my urethra, and at the same time it feels like my bladder and belly are both full.
I don't know why it's so much worse at night, or why it seems worse today. I don't feel good, though.
It feels worse when I run, it feels worse when I sleep. And I'm trying to figure out why I let it go this long. Why didn't I call my doctor when I first got the infection, or when it didn't go away after a week? Why have I been suffering through mild pain for so long that it's become normal?
Initially I didn't go in because I thought it would go away on it's own. I get a lot of these. It would be hard to say how many. One every few months, maybe, since I was in college. Part of it is the fear that something is really wrong with me. If I don't know about it then I don't have to deal with it. Part of it is the fear of the cost. It's not in the budget for me to receive medical treatment (even though I do have health insurance). Part of it was the pre-emptive feeling of frustration thinking they might say "everything seems normal" and there would be no help for me anyway.
These hangups are not a result of my doctor, who I think is great. They are a result of a lifetime of learned subconscious lessons. I learned that the doctors were scary when they took blood and gave me shots when I was small. I learned that anything that was weird in my general "reproductive area" was probably what I deserved for being sexually active from sex ed. I learned that doctors can dismiss my pain and complaints easily from a doctor in college who told me that my symptoms didn't exist because he couldn't find a reason from them. From my friends with major health problems I've learned how draining it is to have to advocate for yourself through our health system, and how much suffering you sometimes have to endure just to stay well.
The overarching theme that I've internalized is that our health system is not for helping me, and it should be utilized sparsely, because it's often very dangerous and distressing.
I wonder how many other people have internalized that same message?
Is this universal? Is it U.S.based fear of healthcare? Is it a generational thing?
Maybe it's biological - an impulse from back when being sick meant being left behind or being the first picked off.
I like to think that I'm a rational person, but I also feel that it's rational to try to avoid the healthcare industry as much as I can.
It's hard for me to feel comfortable relying on this system that I know objectively has so many flaws. But it's also uncomfortable for me to have a bladder infection. So today, at the prompting of my husband, I'm asking my doctors help.
I'm glad I'm at the point in my life where I feel able to recognize some of these patterns that are shaping my decision-making, instead of just going along for the ride. But I'm also feeling frustrated by the systems and society that taught me these lessons, because that's not the society I'd like to live in.
Now I'm wondering if I should really post this. Because, like, who really needs to know that I have a bladder infection? But it's my blog so, you know, whatever. I don't feel comfortable talking about this. And maybe you don't feel comfortable reading it, or talking to or listening to other peoples health hang ups. That's ok. Pretty normal, I think. But in my experience the things we feel most uncomfortable talking about are the things it would be the most helpful for us to talk about.